Yes, insomnia is a cross to bear, but sometimes, seriously, it really is so useful. Even though I’d rather be sleeping, oh how useful it is to let all those thoughts get thunk, like my mind is too busy with Doing all day to actually get them thought. Sometimes, sometimes, insomnia is a gift.
Although it doesn’t always feel that. Here, for example, are all the things I thought last night about from 3am to about 5:
- Mr Burns. He’s in a cone right now to stop him from chewing an infected cut on his foot. But what if he has cancer? What if there is something more serious going on with him?
- Did I really hear one of the chickens sneeze yesterday, and if so, then does Kung Pao have a respiratory problem, and what am I supposed to do about that?
- Not to mention, have I solved the problem of Cacciatore eating the eggs? I hope so. Putting that mustard-filled egg into the nesting box is sure better than having to cull her. But shit, what if she goes back to that, especially while we’re gone?
- That time my mother said, “This is why a person like you shouldn’t have pets.”
- All the shit I have to do on Monday since we’re going out of town on Tuesday for the rest of the week. And usually Monday’s my creative day, so also have to figure out how to get all that work (that I love) done on the weekend, even though I’m booked to attend an all-day conference on Sunday. [Speaking of which, reminder to self to stop signing up for things. Jesus, especially things on Sunday, which, although they feature amazing speakers and will be great, are things ON SUNDAYS.]
- Stop signing up for things.
- Seriously, will I ever be done paying Todd Herman?
- Maybe I can leave after lunch on Sunday?
- Also: Fund the SEP-IRA on Monday. Prep for a client call. Eyebrows. Farm supply store for more chicken feed. Make sure to schedule delivery of flowers on my mom’s birthday since we’re going to be on a boat watching orcas that morning.
- Oh shit, who’s going to feed the chickens while we’re gone. Better text some people, stat
- Don’t forget to re-sched the housekeepers.
- Fourth quarter tax payments and amassing cash to prep for that. Everything’s going great, but the stakes are ever higher.
- My inconsistent running right now and the looming half-marathon in, what, 5 weeks? Should I just bail on it? What would that be like, if I bailed on it? Would that be good (less pressure) or bad (no organizing principle, without a focal point would I stop running altogether)? Would not running be the end of the world? No, it wouldn’t, but I love running and seriously, old ladies can NOT stop exercising.
- That weird show The Romanovs that we watched last night. There were some good elements in that first episode – that apartment! That notion of dispossessed royalty – but more aspects of the story were so obvious and cringe-inducing. How is that the same guy who made Mad Men? Am I doomed to this now, just always knowing what’s going to happen?
- Shit, I better get some sleep or my run tomorrow is going to suuuuuuuck. Wonder what distance I’ll do. I’ll shoot for 7. What if I didn’t make a goal?
- I’m behind on the tarot deck creation. Fuck. Should I have just bailed on that project when my partner on it bailed on me? What if I bailed on it? No, I can’t bail on it. It’s awesome. I just need to block the time required to complete it.
- Fuck, and what about that website revision I was working on. I’d love to get that finished, close that dang loop.
- What if I stopped doing so much stuff and just did the work that’s right in front of me, the client work and the tarot deck. What would it feel like not to have so much pressure on me, to pare it all back? It wouldn’t even be forever, but at least for the rest of the quarter.
- Maybe I should cancel everything else but those two things and Do Nothing Else.
Oh. Oh, hang on, that’s it. I need to Do Nothing Else but those two things until the end of the year. After all, I have new clients coming on in November who are going to need a lot of attention, andI really do want to finish the tarot deck and get the whole promotional machine for that rolling. And then and only then if those two things are done, then, yes, my website.
But everything else has to wait.
And once I had that thought, I was out like a light.
Today, when I woke up – yes, definitely tired from the hours of insomniac wandering – I felt clear, rinsed. Like I know exactly what I am and am NOT going to do moving ahead. Nothing Else.
Thanks, insomnia. Needed that!